Bobbie

While motherhood can be lonely, I'm never alone

by Bobbie Conlon

Warning - The following story discusses trauma and mental health.

About me and my mob

My name is Bobbie Conlon. I'm a Hopkins, Yow Yeh, South Sea Islander, Tanna Islander and Vanuatu woman married into the Conlon family. Born and bred in Brisbane, I come from the Margany and Byeellee Nations. I’ve been married to my husband, Glendon Conlon, for six years and we have a beautiful 19-month daughter together called Amari.

I’m studying to become a teacher and I’m almost finished my Bachelor of Education majoring in Primary and Early Childhood Education.

My pregnancy journey starts

Glendon and I had difficulty falling pregnant. After three years of wanting to be a mother, I finally let it go to the Creator - let the stress and anxiety around it leave my body.

Two months later, I was super tired and I kept getting acid reflux. I took a pregnancy test and when it came up as a super-faint positive, I stared at it for a while. I could not believe I was going to be a mother.

I had my first hospital midwife appointment early (at 16 weeks), and I was honest to her about my past mental health diagnoses. It’s no surprise to anyone that I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) prior to having Amari - I’m quite open about my mental health journey. I told the midwife I was concerned about having postnatal depression, as my husband and I don’t have a lot of support around us.

This is when she referred me to the Australian Nurse-Family Partnership Program (ANFPP).

Joining the ANFPP

I had two lovely family partnership workers visit me when I was 20 weeks’ pregnant. When we did the initial intake yarn, it felt like home. I hadn’t met these two wonderful women before, but it felt familiar, and I knew I was going to be in good hands.

I told them I was concerned about not having enough support post-baby - I didn’t even have to say much - they understood and held such a nice, safe space in that moment for me.

Yarning was what my heart needed

I had a lovely midwife/nurse journey with me throughout my pregnancy. I was still working and studying throughout my entire pregnancy, and I felt like the ANFPP nurse held my hand throughout the whole process.

Although, if I said this to her - she’d say it was all me. But I honestly, couldn’t have gotten through those times without her.

I didn’t realise there was a specific program attached to the ANFPP. It was always about relationship - we just spent so much time yarning (talking) and it was what my anxious heart needed.

I’ve had a couple of nurse changes throughout the program. As I head into graduation with Amari, I’m finishing up the program with someone who I feel is just a best mate.

Wherever I am at, I am met

One thing I’ve found about motherhood is that it can be quite lonely. Not a bad thing - it’s just an observation. Everything becomes about your child. You as a parent, get pushed back. It’s hard to juggle life, study, work and being a mother.

I feel like being part of ANFPP has met me in that. My current ANFPP nurse will meet me literally wherever I’m at.

If I’m in my house surrounded by toys or in the park chasing my overactive toddler, or being offered a lift to therapy so I don’t have to drive myself - Wherever I am at, I am met. It’s been so nice.

It’s so nice to be seen and for space to be held for me and my daughter – it invades the loneliness that motherhood brings and just reminds you that you are not alone in this gig.

Mental health – I’m not ashamed

I never did develop Post Natal Depression. In fact, I started seeing a new psychologist who told me I’m no longer clinically diagnosed with depression.

However, I am now diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) - which in short terms is just complex trauma. Which I already knew – I was just never officially diagnosed.

Having mental health diagnoses doesn’t affect who I am as a mother or wife, and I’m not embarrassed or ashamed of them. It’s a real part of childhood trauma and generational trauma.

Commitment to a better future

Before we had Amari, my husband and I made a commitment to one another that unhelpful, hurtful, abusive cycles end with us. We’ve been on a huge journey on ensuring that our daughter and hopefully, future children don’t experience what we did. The diagnoses that come with stopping those cycles are expected and yes, it’s painful but necessary.

My support crew

My ANFPP support crew have always been there throughout this journey of becoming parents and growing into parenthood They were always providing advice, articles and any information we needed to help us, but most importantly just being there.

I’m always really good at hiding my anxiety because I’ve lived with it for my entire life – but when I find people that speak to my soul – I like to keep them around. ANFPP people are good, generous, kind, compassionate people.

After graduation - terrifying, but also exciting

Amari graduates the program when she’s two, which is not far off. When she graduates, I’ll also be finished my degree.

We’ll be shifting into a whole new space in our life - it’s terrifying but also exciting. We will be sad to leave the ANFPP program, but we will carry what we have learnt with us.

And for me – I’ll carry the knowledge that while motherhood can be lonely, I’m never alone. I’ve learnt that through this program.

If anything you have read in this story has caused you distress and you need someone to talk to, please call one of these helplines:
Lifeline - 13 11 14
Beyond Blue - 1300 23 4636
Parentline - 1300 30 1300